Stop Shrinking: How to slowly start occupying more space in your own life

You make yourself smaller in meetings. You edit your sentences before you speak them. You say “sorry” when someone bumps into you.

You’ve learned to shrink.

Not because you’re weak or broken, but because at some point, being smaller felt safer than being seen. Being quiet felt easier than being questioned. Taking up less space meant less conflict, less rejection, less risk.

But now? That shrinking has a cost.

You’re tired of people-pleasing your way through conversations. You’re exhausted from saying yes when you mean no. You want to speak without apologising, to exist without shrinking, to take up space in your own life again.

The good news? You don’t need to transform overnight. You don’t need to become loud or aggressive or “confident” in ways that feel performative.

You just need to start slowly. One tiny expansion at a time.

Where are you shrinking?

Before you can expand, you need to notice where you’re contracting.

Most of us shrink automatically. We’ve been doing it so long we don’t even realize it’s happening. So start with awareness.

Ask yourself:

Where do I silence myself? (In meetings? With family? Online?)
When do I say yes but mean no?
Who do I perform for, editing my words, my ideas, my energy to fit their expectations?
What do I avoid asking for because I’m worried about being “too much”?

Woman journaling to identify people-pleasing patterns and recognize where she shrinks in daily life

Write it down. Not to shame yourself, but to see the pattern clearly. You can’t shift what you can’t see.

And here’s what you’ll probably notice: the shrinking isn’t random. It happens in specific situations with specific people. That’s useful information. It tells you where the work begins.

The lie you’ve been believing

Most of the time, people-pleasing and self-silencing come from one quiet belief:

“If I take up space, I’ll be rejected.”

Or some version of that. Too much. Too loud. Too needy. Too intense. Too opinionated. Too emotional.

So you make yourself smaller. You soften your edges. You say what people want to hear instead of what’s actually true.

But here’s the reframe: The people who reject the real you weren’t meant to stay. And the ones who are? They’re waiting for you to stop performing.

When you catch yourself thinking “I can’t say that” or “I shouldn’t ask for this,” pause. Ask yourself: Is that actually true, or is that just old fear talking?

Often, it’s fear. Old, protective fear that kept you safe once but doesn’t serve you now.

You’re allowed to question it. You’re allowed to test it. You’re allowed to find out what happens when you stop shrinking.

Start with the smallest expansion

You don’t need to give a TED talk or confront your entire family at dinner. Growth doesn’t require grand gestures.

It requires tiny, consistent acts of courage.

Try this:

Say what you actually want for lunch instead of defaulting to “I don’t mind.”
Speak your idea in the meeting without prefacing it with “This might be stupid, but…”
Say no to one thing this week without over-explaining.
Post something online without editing it into oblivion first.

maria standing confidently with open posture, practicing taking up space without shrinking

These feel small. They are small. That’s the point.

Confidence doesn’t arrive before action, it builds through action. You take messy, imperfect steps, and the muscle strengthens. Each time you speak up, say no, or take up space without apologizing, you’re teaching yourself: I can do this. I’m safe here.

And slowly, what felt terrifying becomes normal.

Stop minimizing yourself physically and emotionally

Taking up space isn’t just about words. It’s about your body, your energy, your presence.

Physically:

Stand tall. Let your shoulders soften back instead of curling forward.
Make eye contact when you speak.
Stop making yourself small in chairs, on public transport, in rooms. You’re allowed to exist fully.

Emotionally:

Stop shrinking your wins. If something went well, let it be good. Don’t minimize it with “Oh, it was nothing.”
Let your emotions take up space. You don’t need to perform calm if you’re anxious. You don’t need to fake happy if you’re sad.
Share your preferences. Your opinions. Your boundaries. Not aggressively, just honestly.

This is what how to stop people pleasing actually looks like in practice: reclaiming your right to take up space, both physically and emotionally, without apologizing for existing.

Set boundaries without guilt

One of the fastest ways to reclaim space? Learn to say no.

Not rudely. Not defensively. Just clearly.

You don’t need to explain why you can’t make it to the event, why you’re not taking on extra work, or why you need time alone. “No” is a complete sentence. “I’m not available” is enough.

If guilt shows up (and it will), remind yourself: Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re self-protection.

You’re not being selfish. You’re being honest. And honesty creates space for real connection, not the exhausting, performative kind that drains you.

Surround yourself with people who let you expand

This part matters more than most of us admit.

If you’re constantly around people who need you small, who interrupt you, dismiss your ideas, or punish you for having needs, expansion will feel impossible.

You need people who want you to take up space. Who celebrate your voice. Who don’t make you feel like you’re “too much” for existing authentically.

Find those people. Join communities, seek out friends, work with coaches or mentors who encourage your growth instead of your silence.

The Gentle Guide for Deep-Feeling Creatives offers exactly this kind of support, tools and space designed for women who feel deeply, overthink often, and are ready to stop shrinking without forcing themselves into someone else’s version of “confident.”

Cozy journaling workspace with coffee and notebook for setting boundaries and gentle self-reflection

Get comfortable with discomfort (slowly)

Here’s the truth: taking up space will feel uncomfortable at first.

Your nervous system is wired for the familiar. Even if shrinking hurts, it’s known. Expansion? That’s uncertain. Risky. New.

So your body will resist. Your mind will offer every reason to stay small. That’s normal.

The work isn’t to force through it. It’s to practice tolerating the discomfort in small doses.

Speak up once. Notice the discomfort. Breathe through it. Survive it. Realize you’re still safe.

Then do it again.

Over time, your nervous system learns: This isn’t dangerous. I can handle this. And what once felt terrifying becomes neutral. Then easy. Then natural.

You don’t need to leap into the deep end. You just need to keep wading in, a little further each time.

You don’t need permission, but here it is anyway

You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to speak your mind, share your work, express your needs, and exist loudly without shrinking to make others comfortable.

You are allowed to say no. To change your mind. To ask for what you want. To stop performing.

You are allowed to be seen.

Not someday when you’re “ready” or “confident” or “healed.” Now. Messy, imperfect, still-figuring-it-out now.

The world doesn’t need a smaller version of you. It needs the real one: the one who takes up space, speaks truth, and stops apologizing for existing.

Ready to stop shrinking?

If this resonated and you’re ready for deeper support, I’d love to walk alongside you.

The Unfold Session is a gentle one-time coaching call designed to help you identify where you’re shrinking, challenge the beliefs keeping you small, and create a simple plan to start expanding: without pressure or force.

Or if you’re craving ongoing guidance, Unapologetically You coaching offers consistent support as you rebuild self-trust, release people-pleasing patterns, and learn to take up space in your own life again.

You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to do it perfectly.

You just have to start.

Soulfully, Maria