You know you need boundaries.
You’ve read the articles. You’ve nodded along to the Instagram posts. You understand, in theory, that saying no is healthy and protecting your time is necessary.
And yet.
You still say yes when you mean no. You still over-explain. You still feel guilty every single time you attempt to put yourself first.
Here’s what I want you to know: You’re not doing it wrong because you’re weak. You’re struggling because boundary-setting is a skill most of us were never taught, especially if you grew up believing that your worth was tied to how much you could give, accommodate, or please.
Let’s look at the seven most common mistakes people make with boundaries (I’ve made every single one), and more importantly, how to fix them without spiraling into guilt or shame.
Mistake #1: Thinking Boundaries Are About Controlling Other People
This is the big one.
A boundary isn’t a way to make someone else behave differently. It’s not “You have to stop calling me after 9 PM” or “You need to respect my time.”
A boundary is about what you will or won’t do.
It’s the difference between “You can’t talk to me that way” (trying to control them) and “If you speak to me that way, I’m going to end this conversation” (protecting yourself).
How to Fix It:
Shift your language from what you want them to do to what you’re going to do. Start with “I will,” “I won’t,” or “I need.”
- Instead of: “You have to stop texting me so late.”
- Try: “I won’t respond to texts after 10 PM.”
You’re not responsible for their reaction. You’re responsible for protecting your peace.
Mistake #2: Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
You do this because you’re afraid. Afraid of disappointing them. Afraid they’ll think you’re selfish. Afraid the relationship will crumble if you’re not endlessly available.
So you say yes to the coffee date you don’t have energy for. The favor you don’t have time for. The commitment that makes your chest tighten.
And then you resent them for asking, even though you never gave them the chance to respect a no.
How to Fix It:
Start small. Practice saying no to low-stakes requests first.
“I can’t make it, but thank you for thinking of me.”
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“I need to pass this time.”
No explanation required. You’re allowed to decline without a dissertation on why.
Mistake #3: Over-Explaining to Soften the Blow
You want to be kind. So you add three paragraphs of reasons, apologies, and justifications to every boundary you set.
“I’m so sorry, I can’t meet up this weekend because I have this thing and also I’m really tired and I feel awful saying no but I just need some time to myself and I promise I’m not mad at you…”
Here’s the truth: Over-explaining weakens your boundary. It signals that you’re open to negotiation. It invites the other person to problem-solve your reasons away.
How to Fix It:
Keep it short. Clear is kind.
“I’m not available this weekend.”
“I need some alone time tonight.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
One sentence. That’s it. If they respect you, they won’t need more. And if they push back? That’s information about them, not a reflection of you.
Mistake #4: Phrasing Your Boundary as a Question
“Would it be okay if I didn’t come to the party?”
“Do you mind if I don’t answer work emails after 6 PM?”
When you phrase a boundary as a question, you’re asking for permission. You’re treating your needs as optional.
How to Fix It:
Use statements, not questions.
Instead of: “Is it okay if I take a break?”
Try: “I’m taking a break.”
Instead of: “Would you mind not commenting on my body?”
Try: “I’m not comfortable with comments about my body.”
You don’t need permission to take care of yourself.
Mistake #5: Not Setting a Consequence
You set a boundary. They cross it. You get frustrated but say nothing.
They cross it again. You’re quietly seething but still don’t address it.
Without a consequence, a boundary is just a wish.
How to Fix It:
Be clear about what will happen if the boundary is crossed.
“If you bring up my weight again, I’m going to leave the room.”
“If you call me during work hours, I won’t answer.”
Then follow through. Every single time. Otherwise, you’re teaching people that your boundaries are negotiable.
Mistake #6: Setting Too Many Boundaries at Once
If you’ve been living without boundaries for years, the temptation is to flip a switch and suddenly become a fortress overnight.
You announce seven new rules in one conversation. You correct every boundary violation immediately. You go from people-pleasing to boundary-enforcing in 48 hours.
And everyone around you feels whiplash.
How to Fix It:
Start with one boundary. Master it. Then add another.
Pick the area where you feel most drained or resentful. That’s where you begin. Give yourself, and the people around you, time to adjust.
This isn’t about becoming rigid. It’s about slowly reclaiming your energy and teaching people how to be in relationship with the real you.
Mistake #7: Taking Full Responsibility for How Others React
This is the guilt trap.
You set a boundary, and someone gets upset. Maybe they’re disappointed. Maybe they’re angry. Maybe they pull away.
And you immediately think: I did something wrong. I hurt them. I should have just said yes.
Listen to me: You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
You are responsible for communicating clearly and respectfully. But you are not responsible for managing their emotional reactions to your self-care.
How to Fix It:
Remind yourself: Discomfort doesn’t mean damage.
Healthy relationships have room for boundaries. If someone can’t tolerate you protecting your energy, that’s not a relationship that’s safe for you.
You can be kind and firm. Compassionate and clear. Loving and boundaried.
Those things are not opposites.
The Truth About Boundaries and People-Pleasing
If you’ve spent years people-pleasing, boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first. They might even feel selfish.
That’s not because they are selfish. It’s because you’ve been conditioned to believe that your needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s.
Setting boundaries isn’t about becoming cold or distant. It’s about creating space for authentic connection, connection where both people feel safe, seen, and valued.
It’s about building self-trust. Every time you honor a boundary, you’re telling yourself: My needs matter. I’m worth protecting.
And that’s not selfish. That’s survival.
You’re Allowed to Start Now
You don’t need to wait until you’re “good at it” to begin. You don’t need to read five more books or attend three more workshops.
You can start with one small boundary today.
One “no” without apology. One moment where you choose yourself without guilt.
That’s how this works. Not perfectly. Not all at once.
Just one boundary at a time, until protecting your peace feels less like rebellion and more like coming home.
If you’re ready to go deeper into boundary-setting, people-pleasing patterns, and learning to trust yourself again, I’d love to support you. My Unfold Session is designed for deep-feeling women who are ready to reclaim their voice and energy without the guilt. Let’s create space for the real you.
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